29 RULES FOR BANDS

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. No, your singers girlfriend should not be your manager!
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on You Tube.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
18. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
19. No one cares that you have a web site.
20. Don't hire a publicist.
21. Playing in Philly & then Baltimore doesn't mean you're on tour.
22. Don't join a cover band that plays Hansen songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
23. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all about sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
24. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for and/or lead singers!
25. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
26. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
27. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
28. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
29. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".